Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, I wish I could go back to the infinite nights we spent under the full moon dreaming about each other. I wish I had loved you more than I did so I would have not pushed you away. Sometimes I wish you were here by my side. Sometimes I wish everything had been a nightmare so I could wake up wrapped in your arms one more time and tell you how happy and complete you would make me feel. Now that time has flown and separated our paths I’m no longer the spoiled girl you always talked about, time turned me into the woman you always wanted but never would have. If I had kept you by my side life would be full of dark doubts and unfulfilled dreams. The “I wish” vanishes through the wind along the humid night. You’re only a memory, you’re my history. Somewhere along the other side of the world you breathe while I write this and chances are we’ll never ever cross paths again.
Today I went to the movies with my little brother, even though he’s 17 already for me he’s a baby. Anyway that’s not the point. I realized that I haven’t been writing lately, and all my hands are eager to do is type.
I’m still hurt by my break up with Paris. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and say I’m ready to go back, to leave everything I have here and start a new life. I dream with the sunrise at the eiffel tower, rain at the champs elysees, or a bus ride through the French prairie. Sometimes I miss a humble forehead kiss from a tall white chocolate French guy.
All I know is that my destiny brings me here to California. Sometimes what I want, is what I don’t need, and what I have is what I really need. I know that everything I’ve been through is what makes me who I am today. Hard or easy, bitter or sweet, sad or happy, this is my life.
It feels like a dream, it feels like everything was just a blink and that it all lives in my imagination. But that’s how it works anyway, memories are just memories, until we decide to close our eyes go through them and feel them one more time. I take every step of my pathway as a life lesson. But what have I learned?
I’ve learned that laughter doesn’t come with a price tag and that pain is inevitable and that life should be lived to the fullest, in order to keep our body and spirit in harmony. My mornings in some exotic Greek island, my warm humid afternoons in Italy, a romantic evening in rome, my freezing lonely nights in Paris, and million more countries have taught me that I cannot run away from my fate.
Now that I’m back everything is running smoother, when things are meant to be, they just happen. I’m happy to be back, I know people here need me more, than anywhere else in the world. I really believe it’s time to be back here. I got an exciting job offer in La Jolla, and also found an amazing condo in La Jolla. I’ve always wanted to live there and what a better way to spend my last year of college there and get ready for my next great stage in life. Next year I’ll be moving one more, I’ll be chasing my dreams. That’s what keeps the journey interesting anyway!
I could do this everyday of my life but there is much more to it than just a tower.
I am tired of making excuses when my friends ask me to go clubbing in Paris. I just don’t want to go get drunk and not know what is going on with my life. I would maybe do it anywhere else in the world but in Paris. It’s a mellow friday evening, it’s cloudy, cold, and rainy. I’m in complete denial my studio is not as clean as it should be today, all I want to do is be my window staring at the illuminated beautiful eiffel tower. I cannot even find my dusty suitcases, and my clothes are all over the floor. Everything should be packed by today, or by tomorrow, but I just don’t want to. I’m tired of packing, I’m tired of instability, I’m tired of a fake life. I want to do whatever pleases me and not the rest of whoever “cares” about my well-being, this is my life and no one else’s.
I just want to scream, cry, and be alone. Paris I so want to leave you, but you’re hurting me. You’re so beautiful and no one but no one ever will understand that behind your beauty you’re magical, and made me dream as if the world would never end. You’ve made me feel what no other city has ever made me feel, you are intense, and even if I want to erase some memories I cannot because they once made me the happiest girl on the surface of the earth. My sleepless nights roaming through tiny streets trying to speak a language that drives me crazy. Metro rides full of flirts with your handsome men, winks, smiles, looks, breaths, heartbeats, skin touch, and so much more.
I’m surrendering and giving up to time as it doesn’t stop and as I look out my window a tear slides through my face, I’d never imagine I’d be saying adios to Paris one more time. As I pack a shirt a memory comes to my mind and I find myself smiling, I can smell the day and feel the weather. I can exactly remember what I said, did, the lonely nights, the unanswered texts/calls, the runs by seine, drunk nights, fights, arguments, gossips, bad news, good news, french kisses, red roses, bottle of wines, endless laugh attacks, family visits, little french kids making my day, french dates, french creepers, tasteful French dinners, French guys trying too hard, and some not at all.
To me life is such a mystery but I do believe everything happens for a good reason. I would rather feel pain than feel nothing, because feelings make me feel alive. Through pain I found the way to happiness and I know that I’ll be back in Paris at another time, in another situation, and one day I’ll bring the love of my life with our kids and tell them my story. Meanwhile California awaits, I am ready to make my dreams come true, to settle down, and seek my happiness.
I’ll keep packing, remembering, feeling, and drinking some sweet white French wine
Yesterday evening I traveled in time, it had a nostalgic smell, an unexplained feeling that made my blood rush all over my body and gave me shivers. This is it, I said to myself! From now on all I can do is enjoy this magical place that has transformed into the woman I am today.
It still feels as if it was yesterday when a lonely and insecure girl hopped into a plane for a thirteen hour ride across the atlantic ocean. I would be alone in France, I would be with no one to make me feel safe, loved, and protected. I would once again in my life experience uncomfortable change. Once again I would feel a nervous feeling in my stomach, which makes me want to throw up. Listening to a strange language for a second time in my life makes me have a hate love relationship with languages. Sometimes I can understand them and other times the more I try it all sounds like Chinese to me. Before studying abroad for a year in Paris I asked myself a million times if this is what I truly desired and part of me said no. Part of me was happy back in San Diego, I was a happy girl with an empty feeling, I was content, and comfortable. Being in Paris would bring back so many hurtful feelings. It is my human nature to avoid suffering, to replace it, to shroud it with other comfortable feelings like love. I was such a coward in the past and the little tiny part of me that desired to be back in Paris told me that it was time to grow up. It was time to become a woman.
In order to become a woman I had to let myself, feel, and live. Pain and suffering not only come in illness, or losses. Pain is also mental, emotional, and a maturing ingredient of life. This time I promised myself to give me a year, a year to live in the present, to face my destiny, my luck, and the life that I have chosen to live. Even if most of myself did not want to be in Paris, this was my decision and I had to face it and why not face it like a warrior. In some way or another I was being selfish.
Yesterday night I was sitting at the steps of Sacre Couer with my friend, we were over looking the city. It was a mildly cold breezy night, the sky was dark, but the city lights were amazing. All of Paris was illuminated it looked so small we could see most of Paris. There were two guys playing songs with a saxophone, and making the environment more nostalgic. Next to us were two French guys, both of them were tall and brunette, they invited us to sit by them and have a chat. We preferred to be by ourselves just enjoying the vibe of this wonderful city. After a long time of silence I decided to break it and told my friend ‘it is never going to be the same’.
Despite not wanting to come to Paris for a third time and live here I am extremely proud of myself. Life is a journey. The decisions I made yesterday, I make today, and I will make in the future affect my life journey. My decisions shape me into the person I am today. My decision of coming to Paris has made a positive impact in my life, the endurance of being here has made me a much stronger individual. By stronger I mean spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
I will never be the same I keep changing just like seasons do.
Hello so I never updated my blog because I wanted this experience to be intimate just between me and the people who truly care about my well-being and are close to me. But it would be a little selfish of me not to share my experiences with my people. So how do I start this I went to several countries this past year… but Greek mediterranean is amazing three islands were not enough. This year has been TOUGH! emotionally I’ve been on my own but it’s been turning me into the whole woman that I need to be. I’ve realized the things that matter the most here on this world are my strength, my heart, and my desire to make everything better, yes I’m a perfectionist cannot help it. I grew up in the country side in Mexico in a small town with about 900 inhabitants. I come from a wealthy family who lost it all due to the unfairness, drug wars, and crime in Mexico. It has not been easy emotionally I’ve been through a lot of things. But I just want to show everyone that one can start from zero not having anything from material things to support from family. I will show the world that power is not gained through drugs, corruption, or hurting people. Power and respect is gained through just being you and doing the best for you and the rest. I want to make this world a little better, there’ll always be suffering here but that only makes us stronger. I want to and I will work my way there start writing for the local news paper and magazine. I just don’t want to be a pretty face but an influence on people!
I am sorry I have not been updating my blog but I have been very busy. School and work keep me busy most of the time. I will be in break for two weeks I just finished my intense French course and I start university in two weeks. I am excited… well kind of. I moved to my new place two weeks ago I see the eiffel tower every single day. I have never lived alone but I guess there is always a first time. I have my own little(In paris everything is little) apartment it is lovely and I love it. I have a french family that I spend time with every week, I LOVE THEM they are so nice to me. Specially the little kids they make my day!. I have been all over Paris, in and out walking or in the”ghettro” (Metro). I am finding myself, being abroad is changing me in a very possible manner, whether I want it or not. I just feel much more mature and I am starting to be interested by different things. I am not that young naive lady anymore, partying and getting drunk is old school for me. I am starting to read more in English, Spanish, and French literature. To go to theaters, cafes, museums, meet all sorts of people and have interesting conversations about anything, it’s not physical anymore I am interested more by the way people perceive life their customs and ethic. It is not just about flirting and making out and getting drunk anymore. I want to be more informed about history, customs, international affairs, etc.
I just celebrated my birthday, and oh gosh I am old… (not really but I feel I am). I thought I was going to be lonely, but I have been so lucky and blessed, I’ve met so many nice people that it was great. I got taken out to dinner and bar on wednesday, and on thursday I got wine and roses just by someone who made my day special for me.
Sometimes I think I have more than I deserve, but I guess life is teaching me a lesson and whatever I have I deserve, and I am very thankful for it. In this life there are a lot of ups and downs, but if you stay positive and strong there are more ups than downs. It’s been almost a month since I have been here I wish that time could go a little slower…
So I have been so so busy with housing but I finally found housing I basically walk out of my place and the eiffel tower is there. I love it the lady is very nice and kind. Today is my last day in Boulevard Saint Mitchell I stayed in front of the luxembourg gardens for the past two weeks right now I am packing my stuff but I wanted to take time to write my blog….
So yesterday I went to the eiffel tower with friends to have a picnic at around 10 pm. We met some nice gentlemen who asked us to join them and have some wine with them. We were in a big group at the beginning and then everyone left and my friends Becca, Erica, and me were left with these french strangers! They were very nice we left at 1:15 am to catch the last metro but we did not make it so we walked for around two hours in Paris in streets i did not even know it was funny but tiring the we tried to get a taxi but all of them were taken… it took us around thirty minutes to get one and then he took us to our place I got home at around 3:30 am and had to be up at 8:00 am for a walking tour of Paris. It was boring I feel like I am Parisian I am not a tourist anymore I seriously do not remember how many tours I have taken through this streets…
I found out that I had to leave my place by today so I had to pay an extra night right now I am packing because I move to my new place tomorrow afternoon….
So today was a long day! But it was a good day!. I am still looking for housing but today I had my first interview with a very nice and sweet french woman. It is a studio in the 6th arrondissement. She was very nice hopefully she liked me. Anyways I finally have a “carte bleu”!!!! today I went to open my bank account with my friend and classmate John who is from the US too and guess what I spoke french all the time because the lady “Ne parlait pas l’anglais” I am happy! but I had to do it twice because it was the wrong branch hahaha. Then we went to the right one and I spoke french too it was a very flirty gentlemen who had a pink phone so ladies would ask him why do you have that phone he was handsome very handsome and tall and I so love tall men, but he was too old he was probably in his early thirties… so NO. Tomorrow I will go look at another studio in the 7th arrondissement just by the eiffel tower, let’s see how it goes… ohh and I will also get a cellphone I am still debating between a balckberry or android… oh well good night I have lots of homework and beauty sleep to do
I had so much fun dancing Salsa by the Seine river! I was not going to dance… but listening to Salsa music made me dance without noticing, it is impossible to not dance it’s in my blood I love it! I am finding my niche in Paris